Mar. 18th, 2013

rainspirit: (Default)
FYI, I'm shaving my head on April 3rd. For reasons.

I miss the goddamn cord to my goddamn headphones. I need music. I need it.

It costs $15 plus shipping, or plus the ferry ticket to Vancouver to get to the Bose store. Ugh.

I hate how coffee makes me feel. It's energy without enthusiasm. It's tiredness while moving. It makes me feel like an animated corpse.

And I finally have started missing my bike. My goddamn bike.

It was entirely my fault that I lost it. I just didn't appreciate it anymore. Left it in bizarre, stupid places for over a week, and the one time I did, I made it so entirely easy. Didn't even lock it properly. It was my own fault I lost it. I wanted to regret losing it so I'd appreciate it more, as stupid as it sounds.

Because biking is an awful, strenuous activity. It's forward, repetitive motion with your arms and legs locked into a constraining position, moving ever forward. Rollerblading's so much more fun, so much more active. But it's also not as convenient a way of getting around, I know this. Particularly after I bent one of the wheels and lost one of the screws.

But I do miss my bike. Anything for another day away from public transportation. Anything away from watching all the fucking, goddamn buses drive away ahead of schedule, not even stopping for two seconds to let me climb on. I can't stand buses anymore, I can't. Stand. Buses. Anymore. I can't do it. I need to not do it for a while.

I hate their noises, I hate the tight, constrained spaces, I hate bumping my head on the ceiling of the double decker's top floor. I hate the drivers, who I can't feel anger for because they're just doing their goddamn job. I hate the budget cuts, the schedule changes, the phasing out of paper-bound bus schedules, the lack of adherence to any schedule in the first place. I hate it all. I can't stand it.

I wish I could feel enthusiasm, any kind of enthusiasm at all for getting to class on time, but I don't, I don't, I don't want to do this anymore. I need to do something different.

I don't think I'm going to qualify for second year. I'm just going to let myself give in, stop worrying about whether I'm going to do it or not. Just get through. Just pass the course, at least, at least. Then do it another time, when I'm more confident.

If my goal is to stay alive, to stay happy, to do what I'd like to do, then not doing school for a while is a step in the right direction. I can come back to it when it's too difficult.

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Rainspirit

May 2013

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