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Dec. 29th, 2012 05:04 pm
rainspirit: (damiel)
[personal profile] rainspirit
Start.

My life feels different than it was from August, but nothing's changed much. It's shifted.

This must be a reoccuring thing for everyone: The slow vertigo moment of realizing that you've been pushed into making decisions on your own, being counted on to follow up on meaningful decisions. Self-reliance. All of a sudden I'm reminded of the dead cat on the roof joke: Instead of telling the owner on vacation that the cat is dead, tell him that the cat was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down; then the next day, that cat fell off, is at the vet for surgery; next day, the cat is dead. Preparing the owner for anticipation of shock and grief, rather than hitting them full in the face with it.

Despite all the slow baby steps of Vancouver Film School, going into apartment life with two other dudes, and finding myself back on this cozy little island, I still haven't made the transition. I still don't know what I'm doing yet.

Here's what I haven't been telling anyone:

Classes-wise, things aren't looking good. I've got an overall C grade in the one course I've been trying to ace. This is probably because I missed the morning class four times and they dropped me down. I need a B+ average to continue in it to the next year, so unless something is shifted, then I've got to be bloody amazing to even pass this course.

For one of my two English classes, I didn't get in a final essay assignment that was critical for my grade, so no matter how well I did on the exam, I'm still unable to pass the course. The professor indicated in an email that it was already probably too late to make it up. I might talk to my Fine Arts advisor to see what I can do, but I'm expecting a lot of stony, curt snippets of advice as opposed to actual guidance.

My other English class isn't doing great either, because I bungled submitting so many of the assignments. I think I'm passing, but I'm not sure. (I should check.)

Then there's also the fact that I dropped a required course. Have to take that in the summer, probably. Considering these dismal grades, I don't think any amount of brilliance is going to impress them to let me skip some of these hoop-jumpings.

---

Things aren't looking good. I'm not exactly sure how to feel, because I don't feel panic until the last minute, generally. And this is beyond the last minute, the point of few returns. And I struggle to decide what I'm going to do next.

There's a blind spot in my head where I try to hide from one of the major reasons for my doing so dismally. It's staring at me as I type this. I don't want it to be the reason I did so poorly, but even if it wasn't... it certainly didn't help. Just another tool for my escapism.

Get better next time, if there's a next time. Analyze what went wrong and do better. Debrief and make myself accountable.

Blogging may help. Let's see if I can keep this going.

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Rainspirit

May 2013

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