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[personal profile] rainspirit
I really, really need to write about something, or talk with someone, but I don't have anything in particular to say. Most people up at this hour are waking up or doing their own thing or there's a little snippet of concern between us that I don't feel like broaching.

I made a list. A list of all the things I have to do. Not sure how many pages it amounts to, but it's pretty large. Let's try the three things ... thing again. I have to try.

I want to get away from talking about my life.

Can't I just be happy once in a while? Even if I'm wasting my life, fucking up university, neglecting my real life friends that I know in real life because the friends I talk to are not friends I really know, and almost but not quite getting to the point where I'm churning out semi-regular prose pieces, I just want to enjoy the trivial things that I'm a part of, even if it's part of a familiar, samey cycle. I want to enjoy the things that make me happy, even if there's so many things that go missing from my head.

I always have to fight myself to do anything I don't want to do, or the things I know are important. I have to fight the urge to not want to care. I, aye, iy.

Doing it again.

Contemporary fiction bores me to fucking tears. I miss the days where I read something that enthralled me. I want surreal, strange, beautiful, terrifying. I want characters that pierce the veil of a mundane world and uncover a dangerous, compelling universe. Maybe that's why I'm enjoying the things I'm doing so much - I'm playing through fairytales and collecting research material. I'm learning how to tell a fairytale through characters.

I tell myself it's all useful, when too much of it's just entertainment. But still, I'm going to have to sacrifice something I enjoy to the cult of professional career-making. I'm going to have to learn how to fucking survive in a culture that demands I monetize the things I love doing.

And I have to decide how in hell I can be useful to someone, or something, for more than minimum wage.

The problem is that I hate competition. I hate the idea of competition. Sell a job to me as a race and I'll bow out before the gun goes off. I'd much rather die, penniless, in a ditch than have to fight myself, fight myself and then tell you how much I'm worth as a human being.

I I ay ay ay ay ay--shut UP.

Date: 2013-01-22 08:44 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
You can make any decision you want to, and even then you can change your mind. Try not to beat yourself up Ti. At the moment you are free. At some point you'll have to take overall responsibility for your self, but not now, so try and enjoy the moment.
Let me know if you want to talk. It's easier when we are here in New York for the rest of the week.

Love you,

Dad

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Rainspirit

May 2013

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