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Missed it. Missed everything today.

Missed the deadline. Missed the post office (closed on weekends), won't be able to send the comic book family wanted me to send. Missed the talk about game's journalism among all the other events happening today at the Games without Fontiers thing. Missed Matt's play. Missed the swimming pool. That's what happens when you wake up at 11:00 and spend the whole morning/afternoon in, walking around being a complete basketcase.

Walked around school, counseling building, closed. Not open on weekends, maybe. Everything's closed after 5:00, which is when I got here. Nothing's open.

Talking to myself. Hurting myself with my own words, conversation with self turning violent. Wanting to hit a wall, or hurt myself. When I realized I missed everything I wanted to do today, I wanted to take the book in my hands and hit it against a wall. But I didn't have the energy. So now it's just self-hatred, bubbling up from my own lips.

I need help. I need to talk to people. I need to keep exercising my body so there isn't all this pent-up aggression.

But that's not going to happen, because I've fallen into a loop that I can't climb out from. And it's a loop that's going to kill me.

Maybe I was wrong. It's just getting worse. It's my own bad decisions that have gotten here, my own stupid pride. I keep going back on the verge of self-harm.

Nothing sticks.

So sad to read/to hear/sending you love....

Date: 2013-03-10 09:19 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Dear sweet boy: so so sad to read this...so sad you're having (giving yourself!) such a hard time.... I'm here if you need me...coming in on Tuesday afternoon. Call me; I've just left you a long phone message; will try again after I come back from taking an antsy Rozsa, friendless today!, to the Bluffs. It's 2.30 or so; will be back by 4.30. Love you sweetheart, holding you in my heart. Your mum


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May 2013

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