rainspirit: (damiel)
[personal profile] rainspirit
Someone very close to me would probably like to tell me how good it is that I managed to survive this day in one piece. Fuck that.

Fuck this conference and fuck the haircut I need and fuck all the things that came before today.

I haven't done enough, it's not gonna be enough, I need to do more, I don't regularly do the things I want to se done.

Fuck that. It's not enough. I'm not doing enough, and I doubt I ever will, even if I do somehow magically get my life together and stop heaving and hawwing through the next emotional meltdown.

Frustration. Today, I just wanted to lie in bed and watch people smiling and having a good time and being idolized and cried over. I wanted to imagine myself in a place where I was famous and good-looking and fit and happy, imagining I was in a place where my words meant something and I was in a position of power where society took care of my needs and I didn't have to worry about spending money on a bar of chocolate or using that to pay for groceries next week.

I'm taking a book with me because I can't just relax and listen to music. I need to dampen the noise and take some kind of stimulation, something that gets me away.

Have to stick up for myself in this bureaucratic nightmare even if I could give a shit, because somehow this is important in ways I can't imagine, and I need to not somehow die spectacularly in a ball of fire.

Too fucked up to listen, too rattled to hear the noise outside of the contents in my head bones.

I go to bed worried and rattled and wanting so bad to just sleep for as long as possible.

Looking forward to the day when I'm manic and on top of the world again. Wait, that was half an hour ago, minutes after my double shot americano.

Gotta be responsible gotta make the right choices gotta take care of myself.

So close to the edge it's not even funny. Was it ever?


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May 2013

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