How many times have I wished that I could stop?
Three days of nothing. Three days. What could I have done differently?
Planned, for starters. I can't do things impulsively anymore. Impulse is what rules me. Impulses are what I do every day, but it's always the same. Compelled to stay on the computer. Compelled to drift into a world of pure information. I need things to snap me out of that. Normally it's other people, but in this place, I can stay in my room for as long as I like. The only exception being dinner time.
And now I'm here. And I have a quiz tomorrow. At nine AM.
I'm breaking a promise right now. I'm supposed to turn off the computer at midnight. I keep breaking it, and it's my fault for not putting in a wake-up call for myself. Whenever I stay on, it's always, always an escape from guilt. I'm realizing this now. There's a correlation between homework not done and study notes not studied and me staying up, because I want to do the work, but I don't want to do the work. Hence the limbo of computer land.
At 1:00 precisely, I started to freak out. I started repeating, "I have to do it, I can't do it, I have to do it, I have to do it" over and over again and felt compelled to hit myself with various objects. The computer was supposed to be shut off. At midnight. And I had shut it off, if only an hour later. But I still needed to do the assignments. I still needed to study. And the study notes were on the computer, and I couldn't do the journal in note book form, and blah blah blah...
Terrible bad habits.
And I'm not even doing work now. Is writing itself a form of escapism? No, at this point it's helpful, but it's still avoidance. Writing it all out at least faces the fear, which is what is blocking me from starting.
I used to think that 21 would be the quintessential me, the point in which i'd be happy with myself, finally free of all the angst and guilt and heartache I've felt during my teenage years. But no. If anything, this is me starting to wake up from all that. Stuff like that takes hard work, which isn't something I've been exactly exposed to in my life.
At least now I'm starting to realize what it's going to take. And what it's going to take is indeed mindfulness, not just being aware but planning on being aware. Scheduling. Writing it out. Having the integrity to plan things out, because the only thing my mind can focus on are actual schedules. Finding out what time dinner is exactly and plan around it. Do everything I can to make the date.
I need to stop being such a baby and own up to things. I need to take control. It's just one class. One. FUCKING. Class! Why am I so scared of it?
Enough of this. Signing off.