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The obligatory Christmas gatherings are finished. May I just say that my big(ger, littler) sister was an awesome host and for all that we don't see each other often, she's incredibly understanding of my limited social capabilities. I even got to hang out with my nephew, and although his ramblings are rather taxing to listen to, I was mostly able to entertain him and not make him feel unwelcome or unwanted. Which is a step up, I guess. I've always had the fear that my general loathing for small children would mean I'd inadvertently damage our relationship.

It's funny how my priorities work like that. It's plain true that I don't like kids. I can't relate to them, I can't loosen up enough to play around with their simplistic language and mannerisms. I can do so for pets - I can extend myself to them emotionally, just soak up their pleasure as I scratch between their ears and rub their bellies. But I just can't find a way to get over my dislike. And it's the one thing where I feel society's judgment exerts some pressure on me, y'know? I remember reading a book by Cecilia Dart-Thornton (who wrote one of my favorite fantasy trilogies) where her female protagonist did a whole soliloquy to her daugher about how she must find a man that loves children, while implying that those incapable of loving children were incabable of loving in general - or something hideous like that. It had already been a terrible read, but the book took a turn from general dislike to absolute loathing in my regard.

It's a funny thing, with my nephew. I don't really like him much right now - although I have all the assurances that he's a wonderful, bright boy for his age, he's a joy to be around, he's the light of the lives of those around him - but I really do like the idea of being an uncle. A young, cool uncle that could take him around town when he's older, or just hang around with him. When I'm thirty, he'll be into high school. When I'm approaching forty, he'll be getting through post-high school years (assuming all goes well and there won't be any unforeseen tragedies along the way, on either side.)

I slept well last night for the first time in who knows how long. Slowly but surely, I'm coming out of my hiding shell. I'm learning that I don't need to escape from the world, at least in this moment.

I'm happy that Christmas is over. I'm happy for my presents and I'm happy that I was able to give as much as I could this year. I got to stay with Jess and Mom and we had a good time all around.

Signing off.


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May 2013

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