![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Aug. 21st, 2010 05:45 pmI turn away from my games for a moment to reflect on my thoughts in a bathroom stall.
I stand in the "Market Square" of Victoria, with only half an hour battery life on my laptop. May it take that long for me to unload my thoughts. The wind ruffles past me, barely touching my scalp, and I think of the opportunities given to me.
What I perceive as "normal" life can never be normal. The goals I pursue are never going to be banal things, I think... not unless I am walking the right path. It's here that I ask for the strength of a pilgrim on a long journey... a spiritual man whose conviction and generosity of love are qualities I might emulate. In these times, on this world where technology defines so much of my life, where the conveniences of the world are right before me, where I am given the chance to learn and expand my knowledge, I must reflect and focus on what my priorities are.
For one, now is the time to train my body. Aikido, swimming, dance lessons. Exercise, regulation of unhealthy foods. These must be practiced. I still remember of reading of an asian actress who thought nothing of showing an entire crowd her bare breasts, nothing of displaying herself. Without ego, for as she described it (and allow me the liberty to paraphrase), she was reaping the rewards of being an actor. The way she described it, it sounded like she was living the luxury of a high priced courtesan, and who can blame her for not thinking they were one and the same? Live humans, setpieces for entertainment open to the world.
I retreat to theatre because film is a masquerade of carefully edited camera shots, because the actors there are mere sentient props in the face of the director's vision, focus pieces for the camera lense, expressions and gestures for the editors to tinker with. In theatre, the stage is the actor's playground, where he or she might play and live another life to enrapture their audience. I know I was born for the stage when I think of how natural it is for me to step up and act out another world for others to watch.
In that coffee house bathroom stall, I thought to myself of the signs carefully placed, imagining the exasperation of its workers at the stupidity and lack of cleanliness its customers might demonstrate, reflecting my own woes at the school I work at... the school I am a runaway from, for a day. I think how easily it could be me in that coffee house, another employee, but no. Instead, I am given a job that I care for, where I am responsible and where I feel important. I am the caretaker of an entire school, and I take that responsibility on my shoulders, letting it settle upon them and strengthen myself for greater burdens. Even jobs that look good on my resume have a spiritual meaning for me, a moral lesson I can grow from.
So, as I continue my journey on a quest to become an "adult", I reflect on these things. I reflect on my path, on my resolve, solemn as that pilgrim I see in my eye. I think of the tools, my fingers and brain... and this keyboard, technology that can wither away and break down, as I may one day in years to come. I know in my mind that I can unleash a gift of something special to the world, if only I can muster the confidence. And as I think these thoughts I feel hope returning to me, illuminating my face with a smile. I can grow into a strong man as long as I continue with this. As long as life isn't quite done with me. As long as I love myself and the creatures which revolve around me, or around which I revolve, depending on one's viewpoint. (Namely: Me and everyone else.)
I need to write down more of these thoughts. A couple days ago, I came up with an excellent starter line for my "Archibald and Bard" future book. I'm sure it'll come back in a different form eventually, but it'd be a good idea to start transcribing these things... even if I forget them later.
Anyway, that's what I wanted to say. Now I go get some sushi.
Signing off.
I stand in the "Market Square" of Victoria, with only half an hour battery life on my laptop. May it take that long for me to unload my thoughts. The wind ruffles past me, barely touching my scalp, and I think of the opportunities given to me.
What I perceive as "normal" life can never be normal. The goals I pursue are never going to be banal things, I think... not unless I am walking the right path. It's here that I ask for the strength of a pilgrim on a long journey... a spiritual man whose conviction and generosity of love are qualities I might emulate. In these times, on this world where technology defines so much of my life, where the conveniences of the world are right before me, where I am given the chance to learn and expand my knowledge, I must reflect and focus on what my priorities are.
For one, now is the time to train my body. Aikido, swimming, dance lessons. Exercise, regulation of unhealthy foods. These must be practiced. I still remember of reading of an asian actress who thought nothing of showing an entire crowd her bare breasts, nothing of displaying herself. Without ego, for as she described it (and allow me the liberty to paraphrase), she was reaping the rewards of being an actor. The way she described it, it sounded like she was living the luxury of a high priced courtesan, and who can blame her for not thinking they were one and the same? Live humans, setpieces for entertainment open to the world.
I retreat to theatre because film is a masquerade of carefully edited camera shots, because the actors there are mere sentient props in the face of the director's vision, focus pieces for the camera lense, expressions and gestures for the editors to tinker with. In theatre, the stage is the actor's playground, where he or she might play and live another life to enrapture their audience. I know I was born for the stage when I think of how natural it is for me to step up and act out another world for others to watch.
In that coffee house bathroom stall, I thought to myself of the signs carefully placed, imagining the exasperation of its workers at the stupidity and lack of cleanliness its customers might demonstrate, reflecting my own woes at the school I work at... the school I am a runaway from, for a day. I think how easily it could be me in that coffee house, another employee, but no. Instead, I am given a job that I care for, where I am responsible and where I feel important. I am the caretaker of an entire school, and I take that responsibility on my shoulders, letting it settle upon them and strengthen myself for greater burdens. Even jobs that look good on my resume have a spiritual meaning for me, a moral lesson I can grow from.
So, as I continue my journey on a quest to become an "adult", I reflect on these things. I reflect on my path, on my resolve, solemn as that pilgrim I see in my eye. I think of the tools, my fingers and brain... and this keyboard, technology that can wither away and break down, as I may one day in years to come. I know in my mind that I can unleash a gift of something special to the world, if only I can muster the confidence. And as I think these thoughts I feel hope returning to me, illuminating my face with a smile. I can grow into a strong man as long as I continue with this. As long as life isn't quite done with me. As long as I love myself and the creatures which revolve around me, or around which I revolve, depending on one's viewpoint. (Namely: Me and everyone else.)
I need to write down more of these thoughts. A couple days ago, I came up with an excellent starter line for my "Archibald and Bard" future book. I'm sure it'll come back in a different form eventually, but it'd be a good idea to start transcribing these things... even if I forget them later.
Anyway, that's what I wanted to say. Now I go get some sushi.
Signing off.