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Never thought I'd get this far.`
Jun. 3rd, 2010 08:18 amHappy birthday to me.
You know, I never put myself in a mindset beyond twenty-one. To me, that was the important age, and the fact that I was still, to some extent, fucked up was devastating to me. I wanted twenty-one to be special and mean something, and who knows? Maybe it did. I certainly went through a couple changes, and now I'm trying to change (amid some familiar pitfalls) and grow anew I set off on the path to adulthood.
But now. Now, I am twenty-two, and who knows what that means. One year older, one year advanced. I had a spirit medium tell me my future, that in many more years things would be better. I can't quite remember the details (and perhaps that's for the best) but I got the sense that the next handful of years would set me on a road of improvement, of recovery and fulfillment. I suppose I'm still getting there.
I'm twenty-two years old. No longer the adolescent but a young man, still confused, still somewhat inexperienced in the ways of the world. Yesterday I cleaned washrooms and helped maintain the film school I've been living at. A day before that, my boss off-handedly remarked that I was ten times more responsible than he was at my age. The ghost of VFS - one that taunts my inability, my immaturity, brings to light my tendency to hide and withdraw, is disappearing from my life. In this place, I feel like I've proven myself to be better, to be responsible... to be worth something. It's a job I enjoy doing, it's a job that's hard work, and it's a job I can handle.
No matter the stresses in this place, I have defined the role I've been given, to the point where even when I'm not here, the tech gal, A, tells the interns that they "have to be Tito until Tito gets here." That made me grin a little, when I heard that. Slowly I'm becoming a fixture in this place, and I don't mind that in the least.
So yeah, things are better. I mean, there are still some dissatisfactory details here and there, but they're not insurmountable beasts... though a couple might be a little painful to overcome. But whatever, it's a process.
Three more days and I'm on my break. Three week break. After that, I'm here for two months. We'll see how that goes. Until then, signing off.
You know, I never put myself in a mindset beyond twenty-one. To me, that was the important age, and the fact that I was still, to some extent, fucked up was devastating to me. I wanted twenty-one to be special and mean something, and who knows? Maybe it did. I certainly went through a couple changes, and now I'm trying to change (amid some familiar pitfalls) and grow anew I set off on the path to adulthood.
But now. Now, I am twenty-two, and who knows what that means. One year older, one year advanced. I had a spirit medium tell me my future, that in many more years things would be better. I can't quite remember the details (and perhaps that's for the best) but I got the sense that the next handful of years would set me on a road of improvement, of recovery and fulfillment. I suppose I'm still getting there.
I'm twenty-two years old. No longer the adolescent but a young man, still confused, still somewhat inexperienced in the ways of the world. Yesterday I cleaned washrooms and helped maintain the film school I've been living at. A day before that, my boss off-handedly remarked that I was ten times more responsible than he was at my age. The ghost of VFS - one that taunts my inability, my immaturity, brings to light my tendency to hide and withdraw, is disappearing from my life. In this place, I feel like I've proven myself to be better, to be responsible... to be worth something. It's a job I enjoy doing, it's a job that's hard work, and it's a job I can handle.
No matter the stresses in this place, I have defined the role I've been given, to the point where even when I'm not here, the tech gal, A, tells the interns that they "have to be Tito until Tito gets here." That made me grin a little, when I heard that. Slowly I'm becoming a fixture in this place, and I don't mind that in the least.
So yeah, things are better. I mean, there are still some dissatisfactory details here and there, but they're not insurmountable beasts... though a couple might be a little painful to overcome. But whatever, it's a process.
Three more days and I'm on my break. Three week break. After that, I'm here for two months. We'll see how that goes. Until then, signing off.
