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Highly Poised Personality
Oct. 26th, 2010 06:48 pmIf I haven't fallen off the bike, I've at least gone off-balance.
This last month has felt like sleepwalking. I've tried to hold myself accountable but I've been a little stupid about it. I just looked over my accounts and found out I spent around $600 in thirteen days... almost two weeks. Half a month, and more than half of what I'm given monthly.
And I can't expect my dad to keep putting down that amount monthly and pay for next year's school and living expenses. I can't. So I need to smarten up a lot, and start acting like a man. Can't impose an adult's responsibility on myself and then cower away from it without thinking. But this is month two in what will be a four and a half year long journey... so I'm not going to bring myself down too much for fucking up like this.
Also, I just realized I can't find my social insurance number. Goddamnit, I can forgive myself for all these other things, but I can't stop the bubbling tide of rage churning out for every time I lose something important. I almost thought I lost the recording device and believed I was going to have a psychological meltdown. Luckily it's still here, but...
I missed some out-of-class hours for lighting workshop, so I need to apologize to the teacher. I need to get a wrench for his course. And I also need to go shopping, need to get food. Most of all, I need to start writing things down again... PLAN. Organize my life a little. I can't remember the important dates, and that is going to start becoming critical.
Every time I try to organize this desk, I leave one thing out of place and it spills out onto the floor again. I'm lazy about one thing and it falls down, and then other papers join it, and then I make a mess looking for something, and then i'm about to be late for class so I rush out the door. I come out and open up the computer and disappear into a fantasy world, and I forget about the crazed mess I'm living in, sleeping in, waking up in.
Has to stop. Now. Need to get a grip, get on my bicycle and start pedaling again. Just because I fall off it and space out for a while doesn't mean I'm done.
Much to do. Need to space this out. Can't stress out - too much energy involved. Need to plan.
This last month has felt like sleepwalking. I've tried to hold myself accountable but I've been a little stupid about it. I just looked over my accounts and found out I spent around $600 in thirteen days... almost two weeks. Half a month, and more than half of what I'm given monthly.
And I can't expect my dad to keep putting down that amount monthly and pay for next year's school and living expenses. I can't. So I need to smarten up a lot, and start acting like a man. Can't impose an adult's responsibility on myself and then cower away from it without thinking. But this is month two in what will be a four and a half year long journey... so I'm not going to bring myself down too much for fucking up like this.
Also, I just realized I can't find my social insurance number. Goddamnit, I can forgive myself for all these other things, but I can't stop the bubbling tide of rage churning out for every time I lose something important. I almost thought I lost the recording device and believed I was going to have a psychological meltdown. Luckily it's still here, but...
I missed some out-of-class hours for lighting workshop, so I need to apologize to the teacher. I need to get a wrench for his course. And I also need to go shopping, need to get food. Most of all, I need to start writing things down again... PLAN. Organize my life a little. I can't remember the important dates, and that is going to start becoming critical.
Every time I try to organize this desk, I leave one thing out of place and it spills out onto the floor again. I'm lazy about one thing and it falls down, and then other papers join it, and then I make a mess looking for something, and then i'm about to be late for class so I rush out the door. I come out and open up the computer and disappear into a fantasy world, and I forget about the crazed mess I'm living in, sleeping in, waking up in.
Has to stop. Now. Need to get a grip, get on my bicycle and start pedaling again. Just because I fall off it and space out for a while doesn't mean I'm done.
Much to do. Need to space this out. Can't stress out - too much energy involved. Need to plan.