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Late night update.
Nov. 21st, 2010 11:18 pmI'm not going to kill myself over this essay, but it's ridiculously hard to even try to budge the words out. Kazimiera's right - I'm getting tired, and it's affecting more than just my hobbies, but my work. And I know when I'm retreating, I know when I'm so scared it's all I can do to distract my mind, because that's what I do when I'm terrified. The fact that my computer is both my workstation and my escape means that one must succeed over the other, and I am not nearly disciplined enough for the former.
I wish someone was awake to tell me I'm not a failure. I wish there was a way to calm myself down and just... get through it. I'm tearing myself apart over three classes. Mom tells me to admit that yes, I'm challenged, that it's an Asperger's thing, but god DAMN it, every time I try to explain this fucking condition of mine to someone, they just nods their headsin sympathy, like they've been through my problems, like what I go through is what everyone goes through. And that confuses the crap out of me. What IS different about me that makes me different from others? Why can't these words just come naturally?
My room is a wreck. My clothes are still in the dryer and the washer. I haven't left the house since I got home from rehearsal, which is typical, I guess, though at least I did some shopping. I need to start making more notes. Just... notes for tomorrow. Make a list for everything that needs to be done. Need to start maintaining habits in general.
I'm so tired of being sick, of being ill, of being busy. I just want to get through tomorrow and rest. I want to get through this essay and just... pass it. I want to stop worrying about it and focus on all the other things I haven't been worrying about enough. I want to do the Raising the Dead skit and rejoice in doing something I'm good at.
The Titus Andronicus performances went wonderfully, though the way they dominated my life got more than a little uncomfortable. And now there's The Laramie Project, which I'll have to be focusing on soon enough.
I can't believe I haven't gone crazy yet. When I think of all the things I have to accomplish, my mind just idles out and drifts away. But I have to start narrowing things down... I have to make a list to end all lists.
Maybe if I clean my room, my mind will back into place. Everything around me just feels so unhealthy.
I wish someone was awake to tell me I'm not a failure. I wish there was a way to calm myself down and just... get through it. I'm tearing myself apart over three classes. Mom tells me to admit that yes, I'm challenged, that it's an Asperger's thing, but god DAMN it, every time I try to explain this fucking condition of mine to someone, they just nods their headsin sympathy, like they've been through my problems, like what I go through is what everyone goes through. And that confuses the crap out of me. What IS different about me that makes me different from others? Why can't these words just come naturally?
My room is a wreck. My clothes are still in the dryer and the washer. I haven't left the house since I got home from rehearsal, which is typical, I guess, though at least I did some shopping. I need to start making more notes. Just... notes for tomorrow. Make a list for everything that needs to be done. Need to start maintaining habits in general.
I'm so tired of being sick, of being ill, of being busy. I just want to get through tomorrow and rest. I want to get through this essay and just... pass it. I want to stop worrying about it and focus on all the other things I haven't been worrying about enough. I want to do the Raising the Dead skit and rejoice in doing something I'm good at.
The Titus Andronicus performances went wonderfully, though the way they dominated my life got more than a little uncomfortable. And now there's The Laramie Project, which I'll have to be focusing on soon enough.
I can't believe I haven't gone crazy yet. When I think of all the things I have to accomplish, my mind just idles out and drifts away. But I have to start narrowing things down... I have to make a list to end all lists.
Maybe if I clean my room, my mind will back into place. Everything around me just feels so unhealthy.