I Prefer Black Ice As A Beer, Not A Road Hazard
Exhausted.
God, I tried so hard to be good when I got home from rehearsal. I got myself a chocolate bar and withheld four pieces so I could go and get laundry. I withheld two so I could put down my bedsheets and tuck them beneath the mattress. Barely got the underneath sheet done before I collapsed in exhaustion.
Then I opened the computer and got lost for two hours.
And I have to get up tomorrow at 9:30.
And I was meant to study for two quizzes back-to-back.
I don't know how to win this, I really don't. I'm a fucking child all over again and I'm left to my own devices, trying to make do with my limited repertoire of survival instincts. I want to feel proud for the things I did today, but it's not enough to feel proud over baby steps anymore. I wanted my counsellor to praise me for the things I tried to do, but it's not enough to do little tasks anymore. It's not enough to pretend to be functional and do normal people things and act like they're big accomplishments.
All my accomplishments have to match up with the N.T.s, lately.
I want to cry, but I'm too tired for it. I want to not want sleep so I can study and be ready tomorrow, but I know this is impossible. I want. To stop. Failing. PLEASE.
Please just give me a break. I can't deal with any more failure, I just can't.
I don't want to set my alarm clock. I don't want to get up tomorrow.
I WANT THE WORLD TO GO AWAY.
God, I tried so hard to be good when I got home from rehearsal. I got myself a chocolate bar and withheld four pieces so I could go and get laundry. I withheld two so I could put down my bedsheets and tuck them beneath the mattress. Barely got the underneath sheet done before I collapsed in exhaustion.
Then I opened the computer and got lost for two hours.
And I have to get up tomorrow at 9:30.
And I was meant to study for two quizzes back-to-back.
I don't know how to win this, I really don't. I'm a fucking child all over again and I'm left to my own devices, trying to make do with my limited repertoire of survival instincts. I want to feel proud for the things I did today, but it's not enough to feel proud over baby steps anymore. I wanted my counsellor to praise me for the things I tried to do, but it's not enough to do little tasks anymore. It's not enough to pretend to be functional and do normal people things and act like they're big accomplishments.
All my accomplishments have to match up with the N.T.s, lately.
I want to cry, but I'm too tired for it. I want to not want sleep so I can study and be ready tomorrow, but I know this is impossible. I want. To stop. Failing. PLEASE.
Please just give me a break. I can't deal with any more failure, I just can't.
I don't want to set my alarm clock. I don't want to get up tomorrow.
I WANT THE WORLD TO GO AWAY.