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Feb. 20th, 2011 03:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rainspiritSometimes, I feel there's a heavy tome resting next to my heart.
It is an autobiographical work. Within it, I scrawl down my various crimes against others, misdemeanors great and small, evidence towards proving my final judgment. People whom I have overstepped the line with, or angered due to my words, are people I am suddenly terrified by, for their names are in the book and the tome will never let me forgive myself as long as it has control. Occasionally, memory intervenes, and a page is worn illegible by sheer mercy, but the crimes never go away for good. Sometimes I hearken back to the misdemeanors I have forgotten, not remembering the particulars, but feeling an empty spot where I used to feel shame.
As long as this book exists, I'll never be free. As long as my mind keeps telling me that I'm not good enough to be loved, or even liked, I will never love in turn. These are things I must overcome... things to thwart at every turn. If I can. If, I can.
The other day, I deleted Oni and Max Payne 2 from my Mac, and adblocked Kdice. I felt it was time; none of these games are worthwhile anymore. I played the first two constantly, endlessly, trying to get more items and less damage for each savepoint, stockpiling so I am invincible, carrying an endless war against never-ending bad guys. Rushing forward, executing moves I've perfected for months, my own expertise known to no one but myself. And what could I do with that? Upload a youtube video? Show it off? No, there comes a time when one has to put away the things that give him nothing but escapism, and do something else.
As for kdice, well... there's an environment of fake strategy. A simplified version of Risk which rewards strategy with randomized luck - which can reduce even the most determined player to 7th place by sheer arbitrary rule. No, I don't think I should go back there either - the people are unpleasant and borderline sociopathic, and there are greater things for me.
I did buy Penumbra and Amnesia: THe Dark Descent though. Survival Horror games from the same company. We'll see if those games are worth keeping around...
Signing off.
It is an autobiographical work. Within it, I scrawl down my various crimes against others, misdemeanors great and small, evidence towards proving my final judgment. People whom I have overstepped the line with, or angered due to my words, are people I am suddenly terrified by, for their names are in the book and the tome will never let me forgive myself as long as it has control. Occasionally, memory intervenes, and a page is worn illegible by sheer mercy, but the crimes never go away for good. Sometimes I hearken back to the misdemeanors I have forgotten, not remembering the particulars, but feeling an empty spot where I used to feel shame.
As long as this book exists, I'll never be free. As long as my mind keeps telling me that I'm not good enough to be loved, or even liked, I will never love in turn. These are things I must overcome... things to thwart at every turn. If I can. If, I can.
The other day, I deleted Oni and Max Payne 2 from my Mac, and adblocked Kdice. I felt it was time; none of these games are worthwhile anymore. I played the first two constantly, endlessly, trying to get more items and less damage for each savepoint, stockpiling so I am invincible, carrying an endless war against never-ending bad guys. Rushing forward, executing moves I've perfected for months, my own expertise known to no one but myself. And what could I do with that? Upload a youtube video? Show it off? No, there comes a time when one has to put away the things that give him nothing but escapism, and do something else.
As for kdice, well... there's an environment of fake strategy. A simplified version of Risk which rewards strategy with randomized luck - which can reduce even the most determined player to 7th place by sheer arbitrary rule. No, I don't think I should go back there either - the people are unpleasant and borderline sociopathic, and there are greater things for me.
I did buy Penumbra and Amnesia: THe Dark Descent though. Survival Horror games from the same company. We'll see if those games are worth keeping around...
Signing off.