An Attempt
Oct. 21st, 2011 09:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rainspiritLet's start this again.
Things that I need, that I don't have:
1) My music. I think I left my iPod at GIFTS. Or at my Mom's place. It has all my music. Over a thousand and a couple hundred songs. I used it when I needed to concentrate, and now I have absolutely no concentration. No peace of mind.
2) My notebook. I bought an expensive notebook and pen before the beginning of summer, and it was absolutely vital for a little while. I wrote in it every day, or at least tried to do so. (Sometimes I failed.) Kept my food journal there, my task list, kept repeating things I needed to do over and over until it stuck.
I left it in Seattle, along with a pair of new shoes. I got the shoes back, but I really was anxiously, hopefully waiting for the notebook. I needed it back. And now that's just not happening at all, with the advent of my friends' difficulties.
I should get a new one, I should. But what felt important was the method in which I chose it. It all felt unique at the time, a positive experience of just finding the right thing of blank paper and a beautiful looking pen I could entrust with my thoughts.
3) My day planner. Where the hell is it? One minute it's in my hand, then it's somewhere else in the house, forgotten while I'm dithering away on something else. Barely touched it since Dad bought it for me. And it's too small, can't get in everything that happens from day to day. Can't figure out how to use it effectively. Don't look at it enough.
I don't know how to get back to where I was. I've ceased to remember where “was” used to be.
It's my fault. I got too engrossed in too many imaginary stories with too many people, people I've never met in my life. I got so engrossed, I played more than any of them did, at times when I should have been in bed and no one worthwhile was around. It's where all my energy has gone, and it took me away from debating the question of my own story, my dilemmas.
So many 'shoulds' flit across my mind, only to be swiftly forgotten. They come in overwhelming waves, and when I try to focus on the task of resolving them, more tasks pile up in conjunction, things that must be done first, in an agonizing thread of objectives too complex for my unfocused head to parse out. I'm not equipped to deal with this. There's not enough of me to stop myself from wasting an entire day, not even making the effort to go outside.
I stopped writing, that's another thing I did wrong. Writing is the lifeline to my own self-understanding. I need to keep writing in order to keep thinking.
At least I'm cooking, though. Maye I'll write up an entry on that later.
I'm reluctant to talk further about the going-ons in my life.
Things that I need, that I don't have:
1) My music. I think I left my iPod at GIFTS. Or at my Mom's place. It has all my music. Over a thousand and a couple hundred songs. I used it when I needed to concentrate, and now I have absolutely no concentration. No peace of mind.
2) My notebook. I bought an expensive notebook and pen before the beginning of summer, and it was absolutely vital for a little while. I wrote in it every day, or at least tried to do so. (Sometimes I failed.) Kept my food journal there, my task list, kept repeating things I needed to do over and over until it stuck.
I left it in Seattle, along with a pair of new shoes. I got the shoes back, but I really was anxiously, hopefully waiting for the notebook. I needed it back. And now that's just not happening at all, with the advent of my friends' difficulties.
I should get a new one, I should. But what felt important was the method in which I chose it. It all felt unique at the time, a positive experience of just finding the right thing of blank paper and a beautiful looking pen I could entrust with my thoughts.
3) My day planner. Where the hell is it? One minute it's in my hand, then it's somewhere else in the house, forgotten while I'm dithering away on something else. Barely touched it since Dad bought it for me. And it's too small, can't get in everything that happens from day to day. Can't figure out how to use it effectively. Don't look at it enough.
I don't know how to get back to where I was. I've ceased to remember where “was” used to be.
It's my fault. I got too engrossed in too many imaginary stories with too many people, people I've never met in my life. I got so engrossed, I played more than any of them did, at times when I should have been in bed and no one worthwhile was around. It's where all my energy has gone, and it took me away from debating the question of my own story, my dilemmas.
So many 'shoulds' flit across my mind, only to be swiftly forgotten. They come in overwhelming waves, and when I try to focus on the task of resolving them, more tasks pile up in conjunction, things that must be done first, in an agonizing thread of objectives too complex for my unfocused head to parse out. I'm not equipped to deal with this. There's not enough of me to stop myself from wasting an entire day, not even making the effort to go outside.
I stopped writing, that's another thing I did wrong. Writing is the lifeline to my own self-understanding. I need to keep writing in order to keep thinking.
At least I'm cooking, though. Maye I'll write up an entry on that later.
I'm reluctant to talk further about the going-ons in my life.