(no subject)

Started writing a to-do list again. Going to see if I can keep at it.

Need to have some sort of coherent task-list if I am going to survive myself. Right now I'm working with a consistently broken system. It's the same-old, same-old of my life, and I'm tired of it being a reoccurring theme.

Left things too late to do too much in the way of productive things, but maybe I can get two or three things down on my list. Clean up a bit. Get most of my junk out of the living room. Make it look nicer. Catalogue the books, call people, socialize.

Every day I go to bed reminding myself that life is finite, that every day counts, that every moment is another moment gone, wasted or fulfilled. I sleep to get away from the dreamlands I create for myself. I rest to escape from escapism.

I don't know what I'm escaping from, but I know at this point it's just easy.

I have this horrible, horrible whining critter controlling my body and mind, telling me to just indulge, keep indulging, there's no one to stop me.

I literally, have to shout at myself to get off the trip. I have to bully myself to get moving. I have to fight with myself every step of the way, and it gets exhausting. It never gets easier.

We all have our demons. This one's mine. I look at myself in the mirror and I remind myself what reality is, because I'm losing my hold on it.

It's strange how different your face looks when you don't spend enough time inside your own body.

There. That's one thing on my list down. Now for the next.