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May. 17th, 2011 11:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rainspiritMaybe it's just me. But it feels like for the first time, my life doesn't need a dramatic rehaul... a series of impossible demands that I won't be able to fulfill.
I'm getting bored of the computer. Thinking of going to bed at 11:20 PM, waking up for a new day. There's nothing left for me to do, nothing left for me to stay on. CoH's subscription is going to run out. I'm not part of any roleplaying communities. I've stopped playing UD; pretty sure I'm going to cleanse my Facebook page of stupid game apps. Most of my social connections have dried up.
It's lonesome.
I guess it could be a start, something new on the horizon. But I feel adrift, like my identity's in flux.
It's always ever been two lives; starting to see that now. It's always ever been me with a foot in one world and a foot in another. My real self and online self. And there's more opportunities, lately, for my real self to grow.
I'm sure my parents will be thrilled to hear that. They'll see so much more of me now! Though I am sad that I didn't say goodbye to them today, though. I was exhausted and cranky. And feeling a little selfish, I think. I can be a bit of a jerk, sometimes.
It was all a bit exhausting. The whole trip was exhausting. The new places, the talking, the people I met, the talks over dinner, the trip between countries, the relatives, the unreliable wi-fi, the long line-up at the border. I felt a little crazy near the end, and irritated, and angry. But I'm glad it happened, and I'm glad I saw my friends (even if I didn't meet up with my old roommate, which absolutely sucks.)
I might go back in September. Tempted. (And I probably won't go homeless this time.)
So what is my goal for next term? Certainly not acting. Summer job's taken care of; going to be working, getting a raise, maybe, being useful, being me.
Want to see if I can make some money and get a new board game. Maybe a DS game as well if I can afford it.
But I want to go back to writing. I've been separated from its importance for too long - my importance.
Suppose I'll have to start somewhere. Need a system. Maybe I'll bookmark the link that K got me, look into writing tactics. That book idea is still somewhere in the back of my mind, but who knows if it'll come to anything. (And look at that, there's me discouraging myself from it, as per usual.)
Sometimes I think disappointment is anathema to me. I'm so protective of myself from failure - every time it happens, I break down horribly.
Anyway. I'll upload my last two entries at some point. Signing off.
I'm getting bored of the computer. Thinking of going to bed at 11:20 PM, waking up for a new day. There's nothing left for me to do, nothing left for me to stay on. CoH's subscription is going to run out. I'm not part of any roleplaying communities. I've stopped playing UD; pretty sure I'm going to cleanse my Facebook page of stupid game apps. Most of my social connections have dried up.
It's lonesome.
I guess it could be a start, something new on the horizon. But I feel adrift, like my identity's in flux.
It's always ever been two lives; starting to see that now. It's always ever been me with a foot in one world and a foot in another. My real self and online self. And there's more opportunities, lately, for my real self to grow.
I'm sure my parents will be thrilled to hear that. They'll see so much more of me now! Though I am sad that I didn't say goodbye to them today, though. I was exhausted and cranky. And feeling a little selfish, I think. I can be a bit of a jerk, sometimes.
It was all a bit exhausting. The whole trip was exhausting. The new places, the talking, the people I met, the talks over dinner, the trip between countries, the relatives, the unreliable wi-fi, the long line-up at the border. I felt a little crazy near the end, and irritated, and angry. But I'm glad it happened, and I'm glad I saw my friends (even if I didn't meet up with my old roommate, which absolutely sucks.)
I might go back in September. Tempted. (And I probably won't go homeless this time.)
So what is my goal for next term? Certainly not acting. Summer job's taken care of; going to be working, getting a raise, maybe, being useful, being me.
Want to see if I can make some money and get a new board game. Maybe a DS game as well if I can afford it.
But I want to go back to writing. I've been separated from its importance for too long - my importance.
Suppose I'll have to start somewhere. Need a system. Maybe I'll bookmark the link that K got me, look into writing tactics. That book idea is still somewhere in the back of my mind, but who knows if it'll come to anything. (And look at that, there's me discouraging myself from it, as per usual.)
Sometimes I think disappointment is anathema to me. I'm so protective of myself from failure - every time it happens, I break down horribly.
Anyway. I'll upload my last two entries at some point. Signing off.