(no subject)
Jul. 30th, 2010 02:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rainspiritStop this.
This is my worst week by far, one where I've gone about in a daze, barely getting anything done. Disgraceful by my standards. I can't even remember the past two hours.
I'm getting easily annoyed, easily impatient, angry. The bathrooms need to be cleaned. The dishes need to be washed. At least I mopped the kitchen floor, but that's just one thing in a pile. Trying to recover sleep only to lose more.
I'm not part of the GIFTS experience anymore, I'm enduring the GIFTS experience day after day. I'm staying up late distracting myself because I want to get away so bad. I don't want to deal with anything. I don't want to do this work. I don't want to wash up. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
This is my worst week, and the cook's not going to be here Sunday. I'll be one of the few adults here, and children will still be roaming around, not letting me wind down, not letting me indulge in silence. I need to get away. I need to leave right now.
But I can't go. I can't leave. I shouldn't leave; too much is depending on me for me to crack now. After this it's four more weeks, and I have to be resolute. I'm going into school after this, being out with people my age for once... moving on from the morbid cesspool of high school children. Something to look forward to, right?
Fuck this. I'll eat more into my sleep hours but I'll at least get things done. I'm not going to leave this kitchen a disaster. I'm not going to stay online forever, hating myself, hating my circumstances. I'm not going to indulge in cartoon romance, or obsessively tracking fantasy worlds, or worrying about fictional obligations. I need to BE HERE, in this moment, and see what i have to do before I go to bed. I need to be here and finish what I've started. Complete the processes.
Need to be here. Be here for a little while longer, then back to bed. Back to work I go.
This is my worst week by far, one where I've gone about in a daze, barely getting anything done. Disgraceful by my standards. I can't even remember the past two hours.
I'm getting easily annoyed, easily impatient, angry. The bathrooms need to be cleaned. The dishes need to be washed. At least I mopped the kitchen floor, but that's just one thing in a pile. Trying to recover sleep only to lose more.
I'm not part of the GIFTS experience anymore, I'm enduring the GIFTS experience day after day. I'm staying up late distracting myself because I want to get away so bad. I don't want to deal with anything. I don't want to do this work. I don't want to wash up. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
This is my worst week, and the cook's not going to be here Sunday. I'll be one of the few adults here, and children will still be roaming around, not letting me wind down, not letting me indulge in silence. I need to get away. I need to leave right now.
But I can't go. I can't leave. I shouldn't leave; too much is depending on me for me to crack now. After this it's four more weeks, and I have to be resolute. I'm going into school after this, being out with people my age for once... moving on from the morbid cesspool of high school children. Something to look forward to, right?
Fuck this. I'll eat more into my sleep hours but I'll at least get things done. I'm not going to leave this kitchen a disaster. I'm not going to stay online forever, hating myself, hating my circumstances. I'm not going to indulge in cartoon romance, or obsessively tracking fantasy worlds, or worrying about fictional obligations. I need to BE HERE, in this moment, and see what i have to do before I go to bed. I need to be here and finish what I've started. Complete the processes.
Need to be here. Be here for a little while longer, then back to bed. Back to work I go.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-30 08:26 pm (UTC)~Kitten/Once_Crimson
no subject
Date: 2010-08-01 11:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-31 09:02 am (UTC)I know it's tough on you having to "be there" for high schoolers, but it will soon be done and you'll soon be ensconced with adults and another $800.00 in the bank.
Love you
Dad
no subject
Date: 2010-08-01 11:41 pm (UTC)Dad, could you get in contact with me as soon as possible? Really important. I think you know the kitchen number...